Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
