2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize