I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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