If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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