you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize