Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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