Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
