I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
