Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
