Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
