Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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