: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
