On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
