yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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