actually, I'm a sock model
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
