im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
