Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
