did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
