apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
