I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
