If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
