Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
