Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
