Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
