i just sent this text using only my big toe
Acid is not a monday night drug
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
