I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
