it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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