walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
