a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
