I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize