so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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