i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Two words: blizzard sex
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
