We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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