the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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