Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
