I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
