I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
