No awkward lesbian experiences without me
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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