I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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