i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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