That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize