the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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