i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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