1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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