I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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