I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
