God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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