she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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