Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
