five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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