Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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