Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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