After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
