My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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