ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
