What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize