I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
