shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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