I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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