Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
