i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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